A passage from Octave Mirbeau’s Le Calvaire (p.89, translation by Christine Donougher), which I’m currently reading and loving:
Believing I had come upon art’s definitive formula by which I was going to achieve my aspirations, to pin down alive, in words, my quivering dreams, I published a book which was highly praised and that sold well. Of course, I was flattered by this small success; I, too, flaunted it proudly, as though it were something rare; I, too, put on airs, the better to delude all others. And wanting to delude myself, I have often looked at myself in the mirror at home, with an actor’s complacency, to detect sure signs of genius in my eyes, on my forehead, in the majestic carriage of my head. Alas! success has rendered even more painful my deep-seated awareness of my own incapacity. My book is worthless, the style is tortured, the conception childish: in place of thought, it resorts to violent haranguing, absurd phraseology. Sometimes I reread passages that were applauded by the critics, and I find it all there — Herbert Spenser and Scribe, Jean-Jacques Rousseau and Commerson, Victor Hugo, Poe and Eugène Chavette. Of myself, whose name is displayed on the front of the book, on the yellow cover, I find nothing. Depending on the vagaries of my recollection, on the memories that have remained with me, I think someone else’s thoughts, I write what someone else has written; I have no thought or style of my own. And important people whose taste is sound, whose judgment is law, have commended my personality, my originality, the unpredictability and sophistication of my feelings! How sad this is! What shall I do? Today, as yesterday, I do not know.